Back down to earth
I've never been in outer space so I don't know what it is like to be weightless, but I know what it feels like to have the weight of the world bearing down on you. It's all in our heads mind you, but it feels real.
Feast of the spirit
After I got home from the hospital and expressed my gratitude to the Lord, I gained my composure and joined my family. We sat around the dinner table eating and talking about the experience from each of our perspectives. It was a wonderful feast of the Spirit. And then, the Lord felt it was time to let me down from my spiritual high, back to live my life. I excused myself from the table and went into the other room.
My usual struggles return
Like the roaring of the North Wind, I was hit with a rush of emotion--in total contrast to what I had felt over the past 5 days. It felt as though my usual daily struggle of fears, depression and worry had been held back and all at once, the dam broke. Anxiety like I had never felt before overcame me. My chest felt heavy and I was having a hard time breathing. I thought I was having another heart attack.
Don't worry
I returned to my family and told them, "Whatever happens, don't worry; it will all be OK." Then I announced that I was having another heart attack. They all sat calmly, processing. Not a worried look from any of them. Tresa knew what a real heart attack looked like. I didn't. And I was convinced it was happening again. She calmly got up from the table put her hand on my back and said, "Tell me how you are feeling." I told her all my symptoms. I was sure she would agree that it was time to call 911. No matter what I did or said, I couldn't convince anyone that I was dying again.
Well, this can happen
Finally I took matters into my own hands and picked up the phone to call 911. Tresa calmly suggested I call the doctor first. She made me call. I was so mad at her. "I am dying here and you are making me call the doctor." I had to leave a message for the doctor on call. I started to panic. What do I do? No one cares if I die here! . . . I know! A blessing worked before. "Max, will you give me a blessing?" Max and my son-in-law Ben agreed to give me a blessing. It was the longest blessing I had ever experienced in my life. Max was talking about all the wonderful things I had done in my life and listing all the reasons I was a good dad. He talked about how the house was fixed up so nice and the shop was ready to build chairs . . . and on and on. I almost interrupted him to remind him that I was dying and needed him to hurry. The doctor finally called back after what seemed like an hour and I ran through all my heart attack symptoms. He said "well this can happen." I thought GREAT, now we are getting somewhere! Then he proceeded to tell me that people after having open heart surgery or stents put in feel the tiniest pain in their chest and feel like it is happening again. He assured me that I was OK and just needed to relax. I did all I could to convince him I was dying and he just kept repeating himself. Now I was mad at Tresa AND the doctor.
We have to build spiritual muscles
I am still me, right here, right now. For all of us, that is the way it is and always will be. I thought my heart attack experience had changed me forever--and in embryo I had, but I have more growing to do. The Lord can't do that for me. He is there to lift us, but we still have to build the spiritual muscles ourselves. While I was being lifted by the spirit, time passed in a different way. For me it felt like a lifetime of change, but in the world it was only 5 days. The change has to come from me. Over time and with the Lord's help.
Don't Give Up
I love the line in Josh Groban's, "You Are Loved," that says "Don't give up, it's just the weight of the world. When your heart's heavy I, I will lift it for you." Since who we really are is not of this world, the weight of the world just feels heavy. The closer we are to God, the closer we are to knowing who we are and the farther away from the world we are. The weight of the world gets lighter the farther we are from it.
Weightless
I have a feeling that one day, every one of us will know what it is like without the weight of this world. I think it will be more comfortable for us if we already know what it feels like.
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